I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize