Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
