I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
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