Umm I'm too high to move.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize