Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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