Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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