How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize