he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
