What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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