Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
