Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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