what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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