i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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