If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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