he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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