Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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