Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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