one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
