I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
