After last night, I could never be a politician.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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