Already got asked if we're dating
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
