If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize