Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
