Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
