I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize