im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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