Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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