im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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