She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
NoShamevember. You game?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
