Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
