You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
