Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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