I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
