Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
