I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
