Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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