we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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