You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize