i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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