fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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