Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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