The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
