Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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