I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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