Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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