Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
