After last night, I could never be a politician.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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