i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Randomize
