i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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