so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
