"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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