We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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