My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
