I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize