My first STD was from a foam party
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my poor anus
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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