Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
