I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize