Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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