Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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