My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
