i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
